Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
