he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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