why im i the only drunk person in the library?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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