A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
