Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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