I cockslap morals
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
