if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
