Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
