you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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