I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
