you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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