I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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