Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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