He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
