Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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