I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
