Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
