your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
