Whatcha textin bout Willis?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
