considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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