My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
this beer tastes like vomit already
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
