im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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