I never want to see another naked old woman again.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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