I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
