I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
