How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm too high and old for this...
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