So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
