There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize