so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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