IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
