If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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