happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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