I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
