i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
