My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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