I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Randomize