we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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