I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
