My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize