A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
