it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
