You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
