are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
