She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
