My underwear smells like fireworks.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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