operation have a gay friend backfired
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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