we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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