Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
