I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
