What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
