Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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