I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
