My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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