that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
