My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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