how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
