I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
