wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Randomize
